Sometimes I'm fightin mad. Sometimes the though of certain things makes me enraged and I just want to be a boxer or MMA fighter or something and knock the heck out of something. Destroy something. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone or go face to face with certain people and tell them exactly what I think word for word and even spell it out if need be.
I'm still in therapy- I go weekly. When I talk about my children's birth and their stay in the NICU I can't help but get so MAD at those around us. WHY were we alone in our darkest hours? Double chest tubes = alone, PDA surgery (heart surgery) = alone, gut surgery = alone, NEC= alone, ROP surgery= alone, scared to death our son would be blind = alone, the darkest times in our lives ALONE.
WHERE THE HELL WAS EVERYONE? That is what I want to know. Why did we especially I find such comfort in Brody's primary nurse? Probably because we had no freakin one! So let me spell it out to every single family member that just so happens to read this blog just to be nosy. If you see our kids YOU are the lucky ones. If you don't, there is a good reason. I will never forget the comments "I don't even want to look at pictures because they don't look like babies" "you need to email us updates" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Our babies don't look like babies? What because they were a little small and NOT FATTIES like your family member are? They were perfect and still are! I need to email updates to the entire family? What? You should have been beside us and I'm sorry between being an emotional wreck and not getting any sleep we just weren't up to it.
So 1 year later I'm still MAD. And I'm not crazy because my therapist is shocked, dumbfounded at the actions of those we are related to. And you know what else????? She said some people are so toxic that we are better off without them and I couldn't agree more! And I am very confident in who I am, my life, my relationship with my husband, kids, and my GOD and I know that it is because of HIM that we are where we are today. OBVIOUSLY I still need therapy so one day I might not be so dang mad!
And I'll tell you one more thing: When these little sick people sued us. That was so final for my husband. He honestly could care less if he talked to any of you or ever sees you again. That is the truth there and if you have seen him, trust me when I say that was not him by any means and he could have went without it! You should be ashamed of yourselves!
Maybe I expect too much from people but I guess that if someone I loved was fighting for their lives I would be right beside that person every second of the day until they were better.
So there it is. That is therapy for you. It just brings up all those horrible things I've masked for over a year now.
Every single one of you know who you are. Your guilt will get the better of you. It is up to you to make that right or not but FYI WE ARE JUST FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAPPY THOUGHTS, HAPPY THOUGHTS....... and I'm good :)
That felt great!! WHEW! I'm tired now. Good night our FANS!!!! WE LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!
