Just when life tries to overwhelm you, God's grace is there to pick you up.

Sometimes life has a way of putting you in your place rather you like it or not. Case in point, school. I went back to school way too early and I learned a lot in that mistake. Truette was just 3 weeks old and it was torture leaving her everyday. Of course I didn't realize it at the time but I wasn't ready mentally or physically. I dropped my classes and will probably not go back this summer but start SHSU in the fall. This is probably the biggest fault I have, I have to get everything done right then and there and if I'm not doing something I feel worthless. I set the loftiest goals and not meeting those goals is never an option. I am extremely thankful I was able to recognize what an unhealthy situation I put myself in and made a change before I went way down hill. That math class was kicking my butt and I seriously wanted to jump off a bridge because I didn't understand it. Then I would beat myself up about it nonstop literally and felt like the biggest loser. I am my own worse enemy. Those that judge me just know I am worse on myself than any of your gossip could ever be. The difference between your hate and me hating on myself is at some point I realize I am worth more- something you all have never been able to do. Anyway, moving on from that, I'm still mad at myself but know I made a good choice. Ricky said he'd get me a tutor and also help me so I can do good in my math classes I need to take. I don't want to just pass the classes, I want to understand the material.
I also got really sick with my right kidney again and had to go on antibiotics so I was forced to stop breastfeeding which was already not going well because Truette was tongue tied and had to get the procedure done to clip her tongue. So the BF fail was another big failure and I was really unfair to myself about that one.
I'm a lot better now. I'm back to talking with my therapist every 2 weeks instead of every couple months. It helps having someone help you sort out your crazy. I highly recommend it!
I think the biggest thing for me is fear that I will mess my kids up. When you've had a crazy life I think you can either become that crazy or become so fearful of not wanting that for your kids that you do whatever you can to prevent it. I'm trying to find a good balance.
Truette is almost 7 weeks old. I think we are still in survival mode but not that it's a bad thing. It's just a lot of work around here. Just cooking 3 meals a day, 2 loads of dishes, endless laundry, washing bottles, Turette eating every 3 hours, etc. makes for an exhausting day. It's too much work to go out to eat with 6 people. Just loading everyone in the car is exhausting so it's easier to stay home; cheaper, and healthier too.
There are great moments every single day. I love watching Truette smile and laugh while she is dreaming. I love when all six of us are around the table for lunch and dinner and my big kids say the prayer and I'm all smiles hearing their sweet voices talk to Jesus. These moments outweigh the endless things that I can't seem to get done.