There is something about this time of year when the reality of my dad being gone almost makes the air thick to breathe. Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday and I always start thinking about him more than usual around late October through the holidays. He has almost been gone 10 years. You'd think it'd be easier and in some ways it is, but then in so many other ways it isn't. The short months after his diagnosis were hard to witness. When someone is dying of Cancer, it agonizing pain around the clock. It's physically and emotionally draining for the person that has Cancer but it's heartbreaking to watch someone die in front of you. It was so hard for me because I didn't know until maybe 2 weeks before that he didn't have a chance to survive. And really all those late night talks when he was preparing me, I thought he was just down and felt defeated. I never really understood until the very end that it was really going to be the end. I hate that my mother wasn't the person he needed by his side. I hate that he knew her for what she really was. I am so lucky for the things he shared with me.. his hopes and dreams for me and how much he loved me. We all slept on the floor around his chair the night before he died. That morning he spoke his last words and I left. I knew he was dying that day and I knew from our talks we'd said goodbye and everything we needed to say. I also knew I nor he wanted to see him leave so I arrived back after he was gone.
I can't figure out if it's normal for it to still be so painful or if it's because people changed so much for the worse after he was gone. I also don't understand how people try to kill themselves every single day with addictions but continue to survive or people who don't want to live or want to die by a certain age, live to be old. It blows my mind.
I often think about how excited he'd be about the kids. How much love he'd give them and how much they'd love him. Them not having him hurts more than me not having him.
I know everything happens for a reason but I don't understand why him. Nothing good came from him leaving. In fact, only bad things happened. I guess it isn't for us to know. All I can do is remember the good times and find peace that I will see him again one day.
KP
