Since I started this blog I've been upfront, honest, real, raw, true... the list goes on. I've done this because I wanted to document every battle and journey that we as a family have gone through and since my kids entrance into this world doesn't fit baby books, this was the solution.
I know that I have a lot of family and friends that read this and several of those friends are new moms too so I'm about to rip the band aide off and share a very private subject that only 1 person knows about (before now) so if nothing else it may help my friends out there.... so here goes.....
I've been suffering with Postpartum Depression mixed with a traumatic year. I am currently on medication that has been changed and increased one time and I am now seeing a psychiatrist once a week. Anyone who really knows me knows my view on medication be it aspirin or a pain killer. I didn't even take my pain meds after my c section so this was a huge step for me.
So what happened, what caused me to go to the doctor, questions, questions....
When I had the kids I was not focused on anything but them. I didn't have time to get myself together because every second counted in that NICU. For months every single second, minute, hour, day was the kids. What were their blood pressure rates, saturation rates, surgeries, etc. Naturally as a mother they come before everything. During all of this I was on the rollercoaster with all the ups and downs. Madi came home and it was such an amazing feeling having my baby home. She was with me every second. I was so excited but the problem was Gracie and Brody were still in the hospital. It was so hard. I felt so bad having to switch days with Ricky. Gracie finally came home and Brody was the lone ranger in the hospital. Life with the girls was great but it was so busy with all the specialist and Brody was all alone Ricky and I switching off days. When Brody came home it was the happiest day of my life. I finally had all three of my babies. I had waited 5.5 months for that day but I brought a baby home I didn't know and who didn't know me. If you remember, we couldn't hold or touch Brody for the first 3 months of his life, I held him one time and couldn't hold him for another 5 weeks or something crazy. With 3 babies home, Ricky's crazy working hours, and me doing it all by myself I was so stressed out. I finally went to the doctor told him what all was going on, I had triplets, yada, yada... he said I was crazy... just kidding but he couldn't figure out how I did it by myself. He said I had PPD and anxiety so he prescribed medication and told me to see a psychiatrist, that I really needed to talk to someone about the past year. Guess what I did... after a million and one questions about is he sure this isn't addictive, how long will I need to take this, etc. I agreed to take the medication but I never went to the psychiatrist after all, what time do I have? Seriously, I don't have time to shower most days so I really didn't have time to go sit on a couch and tell someone my problems. Well I didn't like the first medication so I went back and was put on a new one but that made me stay up plus I felt like I was having more emotional issues so I went back and he increased the dose which is still very low. He again told me how important it was to see the psychiatrist. I finally called and made the appointment and went in. I really like the lady and it seems to be a very positive thing. For once I'm able to breathe and let go of all those fears that we lived through. We really have been through so much and I honestly don't know how Ricky copes with it all without becoming a basket case.
I've learned so much this past year but the most important thing I've learned recently is I have to take care of myself.... Mind, Body, Spirit.
Brody is my little sweet heart and I've learned so much about him and he knows who his momma is for sure as does Gracie and Madi.
I'm not worried about taking this medication everyday because Ricky knows my fear about medication and I trust 100% that he would never let me become my biggest fear. I do trust the doctor but I trust Ricky with my life so this helps me be able to accept treatment.
So there it is. You see my wound but I'm healing and life is wonderful, my babies are beautiful, my husband is my love, and my family and friends are the best cupcakes in the world! (We are dieting and can't have any yummy cupcakes ;) )
Krista
FYI: This was very hard for me to share... I'm hitting publish.....now
